


Like Coming Home

by littlelotte



Category: Tales of Vesperia
Genre: Catharsis, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, I love them so much, girls!! girls!!! girls!!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-21
Updated: 2019-08-21
Packaged: 2020-09-23 15:20:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20342299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlelotte/pseuds/littlelotte
Summary: “Oh...you’re wearing the earrings I bought you! I was actually a bit worried you didn’t like them, or that maybe I picked out something that I liked without thinking of what you liked. Really, I’m happy to see you wearing them because—”“You’re doing it again.”Estelle blinks, confused. “I’m sorry...what?”Judith pulls her mouth into a frown. Her gaze shifts toward the pond; Estelle mimics the movement.“You’re overthinking.”





	Like Coming Home

A cool breeze in the dead of summer is always a welcome thing. Once the humidity lifts, the little bursts of wind hitting Estelle’s face cool the patches of sweat on her cheeks, and she feels herself begin to unwind. The worries—the constant “what-ifs” that nag her seem to settle and, if only for a moment, she can listen to the world around her. 

She isn’t sure what she originally came out here for. While she enjoys the castle gardens, she’d always preferred being cooped up in the library with a book in her lap. It’s a bit childish, but before she’d had the chance to travel the world, she didn’t like mosquitoes, or any insects for that matter. She wasn’t one to take an evening stroll unless she’d slathered on copious amounts of lavender oil to keep the bugs away. It’s not that she didn’t _ like _going outside—she just wasn’t used to it. There are a lot of things, however, that a person has to get used to trekking through thick, swamp-like forest in the middle of a rainy season with nothing but a small backpack, a thin sword, and a handful of criminals for company. 

She laughs a little at the thought. Yuri and the others—technically—are all criminals to varying extents, herself included. She never thought of them that way though, not until groups of knights started pointing swords at them and talking to her like she was stupid (which, to her dismay, happened more often than she would have liked). And of course, she isn’t stupid. Naive, maybe. Sometimes foolish. But never stupid. She’d spent enough time self-deprecating in the last year to last a lifetime, and it’s a habit she’s been trying to break. 

“Remember...if you have to say one bad thing, try saying one good thing, too…” She turns Judith’s advice over on her tongue like a mantra, repeating it back to herself as she studies her reflection in the pond water. The bench she’s sitting on is low to the ground, and the lanterns provide enough light so that she can see her face clearly. 

In all honesty, she’s never really thought of herself as beautiful. Cute, maybe, with a lot of makeup on and her hair just right, but never beautiful. Her lips are a bit too small, her eyebrows are thinner than she would like, and there’s a small, but unfortunately growing cluster of pimples on her right cheek. She always tries hiding those with her hair, or a bit of concealer if she has it, but she didn’t feel like putting it on tonight. It’s not like anybody’s going to be looking at her, and even if in the off chance one of her friends showed up, they’ve seen her looking much, much worse. Still, she could stand to lose a few pounds, and she’d probably be prettier if she was better at putting on eye makeup…

_ No, no...not like that. _ She shakes her head and presses the palms of her hands to her cheeks. Good things. Think _ good things. _

Sighing, she forces herself to study her reflection again. Her hair’s a bit messy right now, but the way the humidity curls her bangs is cute, and she has a nice eye color—one that’s fairly unique. She’s smart, of course. Well, definitely book-smart. On more than one occasion she’s had the feeling she has all the common sense of a toy poodle, though, which isn’t something to be proud of. But she isn’t _ stupid... _right? 

“Come out here for a nice, relaxing chat with the bugs?” 

Estelle jumps, nearly falling off the bench as she turns to face her intruder. 

“Oh...I’m sorry. I hadn’t meant to startle you.” Judith gives sympathetic look as she moves to sit down on the bench. “Well...maybe I did, but only just a little. I’m glad you didn’t tumble over, though. That wasn’t part of the plan.” 

Estelle shakes her head. “I-It’s alright, Judith. I was just spacing out, so it’s not your fault. Besides, I should pay more attention to my surroundings...even if I’m in the castle courtyard.” 

Judith raises an eyebrow, but says nothing. She’s switched out her usual combat attire for a light gown, a yellow, sleeveless halter-neck that cuts off just above her knees. Her hair is in a loose braid that hangs over her shoulder, and she’s wearing the little seashell earrings Estelle bought for her when the rest of their party figured out they’d missed Judith’s birthday. 

“Oh...you’re wearing the earrings I bought you! I was actually a bit worried you didn’t like them, or that maybe I picked out something that _ I _ liked without thinking of what _ you _liked. Really, I’m happy to see you wearing them because—”

“You’re doing it again.”

Estelle blinks, confused. “I’m sorry...what?”

Judith pulls her mouth into a frown. Her gaze shifts toward the pond; Estelle mimics the movement. 

“You’re overthinking.” 

Estelle blinks again, this time, dumbfounded. She fidgets with her hands and turns to face Judith, whose expression is unreadable. She’s still staring off at the pond, unmoving, even as the breeze picks up and tosses loose strands of hair into her face. 

“I’m...I’m not sure what you mean.” 

There’s a pause; Judith digs one of her feet into the dirt and kicks up a small rock. With a quick motion, she scoops it off the ground and tosses it into the pond. It makes a small _ plop _as it sinks beneath the surface. 

“Um...Judith?”

“Here, let’s try that.” Silently, Judith picks another two pebbles off the ground and presses one into Estelle’s hand. “Take that and throw it as hard as you can. I’ll do it as well.” 

Estelle bites her lip. The stone is cool in her hand—smooth, and slightly grayish in color. She thinks, for a second, that if she threw it hard enough and accidentally hit someone with it, that she could genuinely hurt them. 

“Well?” Judith gives her an expectant look, arm wound back to throw. 

“I...Well, alright then. Here goes…!” 

With a sharp inhale, Estelle winds an arm back, sets her shoulders straight, and hurls the stone as hard as she can. It goes a considerable distance before making an audible splash at the other end of the pond; Judith’s lands a few feet away from hers. At first, she’s a little impressed with the fact that her stone went as far as Judith’s. She reminds herself that she’s a fighter, too, and a skilled one at that. Maybe not as skilled as Judith, but skilled nonetheless. 

_ That’s right...Positive thoughts. Think positively and you’ll feel better. _

“So?” Judith cocks her head to the side, “That feel good?” 

Estelle nods, considering the distance between her and the now submerged stone as she does. “I think so...It sort of feels nice to throw things every once in a while. That may sound childish, but as long as you don’t break anything, then it’s fine, right?”

Judith laughs in that little sing-song way she does; it always makes Estelle’s ears light up pink. “That’s one way to put it.” She throws her braid over her shoulder and leans back on her hands. “You’re funny, Estelle.” 

Estelle perks up at that. _ Funny…? _“Oh! Thank you, Judith! I like to think so! You’re funny too—in a good way, of course.” 

“And cute.” 

For a second, Estelle’s heart stops. Judith has called her cute before—on more than one occasion, even—but when she says it with a smile on her face, a real, genuine, breathtaking smile, Estelle can’t help the way her stomach flips. She doesn’t want to overthink it, especially after Judith told her _ not _to overthink things, but it’s hard to control the way her head spins when a woman as gorgeous as the one sitting beside her is giving out compliments. 

“I um,” she runs a hand through her bangs and turns her head a little to hide the red of her cheeks. “Thank you. Y-You are too. Cute, I mean. No. Pretty! Y-Yes, that’s better.”

Judith just smiles at that; Estelle wrings her hands, then stops when she realizes she’s doing it. She takes a deep breath and lets her shoulders, which have evidently been tensed this entire time, finally relax. 

“In any case, I’m glad to see you’ve loosened up a little. When I first came out here, you were upset.” 

Estelle bites her lip. “Was I...too obvious, then?”

Judith’s frowns again, her tone thoughtful: “You’re not very good at hiding how you feel. When you’re sad, it’s written all over your face. When you’re angry, it’s as clear as day.” 

Somewhere close, the peeper frogs’ chirping grows in volume. They could have been this loud the entire time they’ve been out here, but Estelle hadn’t noticed it until now. Normally she finds them calming. Now, however, they’re a welcome distraction. The background noise she needs to keep the conversation from feeling overwhelming. 

“I guess this is my roundabout way of telling you we’ve all been concerned, Estelle. You’re spending quite a bit more time by yourself than you used to. Rita’s worried. Yuri’s mentioned it as well.” She pauses for a beat. “I’m worried, too.” 

Estelle gives a slow nod. She lets her head fall and her shoulders slump as she curls in on herself. “I...Hadn’t noticed I’ve been avoiding all of you. I thought I’d just been keeping to myself a bit more. I mean, it’s not too long ago that we beat the Adephagos, and everyone’s been so busy with everything so I just...thought nobody would notice if I was a bit more reclusive.” 

Judith is quiet for a moment; Estelle takes the chance to explain herself further. “I mean...I’ve spent my whole life up until my travels stuck in the castle. I didn’t see a problem with keeping around here for a bit while everything settled. I mean, I’m not _ really _a member of Brave Vesperia, and my place is still here, helping the people in Zaphias. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve been acting that much differently than I normally do—I’ve just been taking some time to myself, that’s all.” She presses her fingers into her skirt and flattens out the wrinkles. “I’m sorry for worrying you all. But really, I’m okay.” 

As the wind picks up again, the chirping of the peepers grows quieter. She wonders, absentmindedly, if they’ve gotten tired of listening to her complain. If the walls of the castle even, older than she and all her friends combined, have had enough of her wallowing in self-pity. 

“Is that how you really feel?” 

Judith’s words catch her off guard. She looks up from her knees to see her companion wearing the same, disappointed frown she had from the beginning of their conversation. Something about seeing it a second time makes her chest well up with a difficult emotion; her hands fidget in her lap, restless, when she realizes she can’t figure out what to do with them. There’s a strange tightness at the back of her throat that won’t go away. 

“I...No. No it isn’t.” 

If admitting it was hard, hearing Judith’s relieved sigh after the fact was excruciating. 

“That’s better. Now, why don’t you tell me what’s on your mind.” 

The gentle murmur of Judith’s voice makes something in Estelle splinter. Her eyes fill up with tears as she presses harder at the folds in her skirt. _ No. No don’t cry. You’re stronger than that. Don’t cry about this. Don’t. _

“Well...Um…”

“It’s alright.” Judith’s voice is soft, barely above a whisper. “There’s no shame in letting it out. We all do it, when we have to. The important thing is we’re not alone when we do.” 

With that, the dam breaks. Now, she’s thankful she hadn’t put any makeup on today, even if she was feeling slightly insecure about it. If she had, mascara and foundation would be running down her face and staining the light rosy fabric of her dress all kinds of unpleasant colors. It hits her, then, that she’s worried about her clothes while having a meltdown, and she cries harder for the fact that she’s crying at all. 

“I’m s-sorry.”

“Don’t apologize.”

“I-I just,” she wipes her tears with the backs of her hands, “I thought that once all of this was over, that once I got back home and I’d seen the world and everything was okay that I’d feel better about myself. That I wouldn’t be so worried about silly things like how I look and how I c-_ carry _ myself and how I interact with others. That I wouldn’t keep running the words “insipid poison” through my head every time things were quiet. That I wouldn’t compare myself to the rest of you and have to keep constantly _ reminding _ myself that I’m not weak. Or stupid. Or ugly. Or shameful. Or a curse. Or any of that. I thought I’d stop thinking those things all at once but I haven’t. I just _ haven’t. _Maybe it’s not as bad as it used to be, but it certainly isn’t all that much better.” 

She lets out a shaky breath, exasperated. She hadn’t meant to go this far. “I just don’t know why I still feel this way sometimes. Why I feel a lot better then start feeling bad again out of nowhere. It’s like. It’s like one little thing will happen and I’ll feel sorry for myself again. It’s. It’s_ pathetic _.” 

Judith nods, but she doesn’t say anything. Maybe, she’s shocked at the bitterness of Estelle’s tone. She probably hadn’t expected that much self-directed vitriol to come out of her princess friend’s mouth, especially when everything had been fine just moments before. In a way, she feels a bit silly. Judith had always been one to call her out for her shortcomings, which was as much appreciated as it was necessary. Still, she feels the need to explain herself, to justify the stomach-turning feelings that threaten to suffocate her whenever she finds herself alone. 

“When I…When I was growing up here, everybody always told me, oh, it’s okay, Estelle. Everything’s fine. But when I went outside...when I started traveling with all of you and going on that journey...I realized that everything wasn’t fine. I realized that I have a lot of flaws. A _ lot _of flaws. And I just...I can’t reconcile it with myself. No matter how hard I try, I always end up back here.” She makes a wide gesture of her hands, then pulls them to her chest. “Just like this.” 

Once she’s finished, shame coils up around her throat like a vice. She can’t decide whether she’s relieved she got that out or if she’s mortified that Judith of all people was the one to hear it. Part of her hopes her companion, understandably tired of hearing this privileged little princess whine, will get up and leave; the other, perhaps more foolish part of her desperately hopes she plans to stay. 

“Estelle,” Judith says softly, shifting as she does. “Do you remember the first real interaction we had?” 

Estelle picks her head up, frowning. Judith has turned to face her, seated cross-legged on the bench with a serious expression. Estelle wipes her eyes and wracks her brain. 

“Oh...Do you mean after Gasfarost incident?” 

Judith shakes her head. “I mean,” she leans a bit closer, “when I tried to kill you in Heliord.” 

Estelle gapes a little. Of all the things Judith could have mentioned, she hadn’t expected _ that. _

“Judith...No. You hadn’t known me then. You were only doing what you thought was right.” 

Judith leans back, brows furrowed. “That’s true, I didn’t know you.” 

Estelle nods, wringing her hands again. “So there’s no issue then. I’ve never held a grudge, you know. I never had the right.” 

Judith shakes her head again. “That’s just the thing, though. I didn’t know you. I didn’t know what sort of person you would become. I didn’t—” she cuts herself off with a quiet grunt. Then, with a slow movement, she reaches forward and grabs Estelle’s hands. Estelle only blinks, her face heating up at the sudden contact. Judith, as if in some sort of trance, slowly traces the tips of her fingers over the palms of Estelle’s hands. 

“Back then, I saw nothing but a threat. I saw a sheltered, foolish girl who would bring ruin to the planet if she wasn’t careful. I saw a meek, privileged noble who would drag her traveling companions around without any real concern for how it affected them. I saw a person who thought she was kinder than she was, and that, to me, was a dangerous thing.”

Estelle winces at that. Tears pool at the back of her eyes again and she gives a slow nod. “You’re right. All of that’s true and—”

“Let me finish.” Judith’s tone is stern, but not angry; Estelle blinks back the sting and complies. 

“But then, when I got to know you, I realized I was wrong. I realized you weren’t a threat. I realized the depth of your love for the planet, for your people, and for all those around you. I realized that you were truly, genuinely kind. I realized,” she gives Estelle’s hands a little squeeze, “I realized that, though you had flaws, you had the capacity to grow.” 

Estelle nods again, a little taken aback by the sudden compliments. She opens her mouth to protest, then closes it, deciding instead to focus on the way Judith’s hands look in hers. 

Judith continues: “I watched you become stronger, become a person who can stand up for herself and make her own decisions. I watched you take responsibility for your actions and learn from them. I watched you become somebody who says yes when she means yes and no when she means no, and that’s no small thing.” She runs her fingers over Estelles hands again, gently, and gives a soft smile. “I watched you grow all without knowing that being with you has changed me for the better. Watching you grow has inspired me to grow as well.” 

She isn’t sure when it became too much. Every word out of Judith’s mouth brought with it waves of doubt, of questions, of _ relief, _and some other bizarre emotions Estelle couldn’t hope to place. Part of her wants to believe Judith said all of this just to make her feel better—to placate her as friends do when they’re afraid of telling the truth. 

“I...I don’t know what to say...I...”

Judith’s response is quick, but no less gentle. “You don’t have to say anything at all.” 

_ She’s never been one to placate, though _. 

With a shaky breath, Estelle pulls a hand away to rub her eyes. Once she’s certain she’s (probably) not going to cry anymore, she places the hand back on top of Judith’s and offers up her best version of a smile. “Still...I want to thank you. I came out here feeling...well, feeling down on myself. I know it’s silly considering all that I have to be thankful for, all that I’ve been given in my life…” she trails off with a sigh, giving Judith’s hands a squeeze, “it’s just that sometimes, I can’t get out of my own head.” 

The wind picks up a little and Estelle wonders if it’s going to rain. 

“But besides that, I want you to know that you shouldn’t cite me as the reason for your growth, Judith. You’re strong in your own way, and I think you owe yourself the credit you’ve given me.” 

There’s a short pause; Judith cocks her head to the side and smiles. Estelle can’t tell if it’s thunder she hears in the distance or if it’s just the blood pounding in her ears. 

“Do you have any idea what I was before I joined Brave Vesperia? Before I made the decision to watch over you?”

Estelle blinks, confused. “I’m not sure I follow.” 

There had been moments throughout their journey when Judith seemed distant. She’d get this wistful look in her eyes that left Estelle wondering how far she would go and just how far she’d leave them behind. It was moments like these that Estelle wanted to reach her the most. 

“I wasn’t a very good person.” She pauses and laughs like she’s about to tell a joke. “I mean, I was surrounded by death.” 

Estelle inhales sharply, a tight frown pulling at her lips. “Judith. You shouldn’t say things like that about yourself. It’s not fair and it’s not right. You’re a good person, so don’t sit here thinking you’re some. Some _ harbinger _ of death. You couldn’t be and you never were.” 

Once she’s finished, she focuses her attention back on Judith’s hands. They’re callused, rough and scarred from years of combat. They’re slightly larger than hers, but not by much. Again, she finds herself marveling at the way they fit together, the way their knuckles slide into place perfectly. It feels...right, Estelle thinks, _like coming home. _

“Perhaps…” Judith voices trails like the words are at the tip of her tongue, still tangled in a mess of thought, “perhaps we could both be a bit kinder to ourselves.” 

Estelle only nods. “Yes...perhaps we could.” 

There’s another roll of thunder in the distance, further off this time, like the storm moved westward. It could still rain, but Estelle decides she isn’t going to worry about that for now. She’s going to sit here and hold Judith’s hands for as long as she can. For as long, at least, as the other will allow it. 

“Should we go inside?” Judith asks.

Estelle shakes her head. “I’d like to stay out here a little longer with you, if you’ll allow it.” 

Judith smiles at that. “That’s fine I suppose. Just don’t cry to me if we get rained on.”

It’s only then that Estelle realizes she's forgotten all about her troubles in favor of helping Judith. Judith, who came out here and listened to her ramble—not for the first time—about all the things she doesn’t like about herself. Judith who confessed that their relationship made her feel like a stronger person. Judith, who stood up for her when Pharaoh wanted to strike her down no questions asked. Judith who watched over her, who watched her grow, who was there for her when she needed it. _ Judith. _It’s always Judith. 

Maybe it’s the heat finally getting to her, but Estelle decides that with this newfound realization, she’s going to be a bit bold. 

“Judith?”

“Yes?”

Estelle takes a deep breath; then, she shifts herself so that she can comfortably rest her head on Judith’s shoulder, still keeping their hands linked. Once she’s situated, she lets out a shaky sigh. 

“S-Sorry if this is strange, I just—”

She feels Judith rest her head on hers. “There’s nothing to be sorry for.” 

Even though Estelle can’t see her face, she can hear the smile in Judith’s voice. It makes her want to smile, too. 

There’s silence then. The peepers, having figured out the storm passed over them, have gone back to chirping. The wind is gentler now than it was before, soothing in a way. 

“Thank you, Estelle,” Judith murmurs. 

Estelle closes her eyes. “Thank you, Judith.” 

Some days are difficult. Some days are easier than others. Some days, Estelle realizes, it’s better just to focus on the good things. The smooth whisper of the wind as it passes through the trees, the feeling of somebody else’s hand in hers.   


**Author's Note:**

> i love these girls a lot i hadn't intended to post this but i decided to on a whim really. This fic is very personal for me and a lot of the stuff discussed is, well, how I feel. I can relate to Estelle quite a bit, so I wanted to explore this. Thanks for reading! It really means a lot (':


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